|
Ads are disabled for your account.
Thank you for your contributions to Subnova.
|
|
|
20100718.144024
website is now in archive mode. visit blog.subnova.com for information.
20080730.144615
i added amazon context links... just because i can... if they're not too obtrusive... i'll leave them
20080114.231544
enabled mod_deflate on andromeda. the site is now seeing an estimated 80% reduction in overall size for clients to download
20080109.022443
added an rss 2.0 feed for the news at http://www.subnova.com/news/rss/. it will show the 14 most recent posts
20070823.031056
updated cq calculations so that if a member doesn't login to the website in the past 77 days, the contribution points start vanishing in a hurry... tanking the irank
[more]
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Women of Soul Calibur 2
So you've picked up a copy of Namco's latest masterpiece, Soul Calibur 2, for your console of choice. You've unlocked all the characters and beaten Weapon Master mode twice, and you've run into the roadblock that most players have with this game; which female character to fantasize and write erotic fan fiction about first? Well, to help you with this I've come up with a comprehensive guide that will aid you in this long and hand-cramping task. Lets start off with?
Taki - Sexy Assassin/Bra Burner
When Namco decided that they needed some breastacular women to compete with Tecmo's offerings, they decided to enhance some of Taki's features*. Unfortunately I think this has backfired in their respective, undersexed faces. Firstly, Taki's refusal to wear any kind of chest support (in order to show off her nippies) may initially sound like a good idea.. a SEXY good idea. However, the excessive amount of running and jumping this seductive ninja does obviously wasn?t taken into consideration. The end result is a set of large, yet floppy and non-firm chestecles that remind me of prime real estate that eventually turned into a weed-infested junkyard. A real shame. Perhaps next time she can wear a BREASTplate! Hurrrrrrrr!
It should also be noted that while camel toe is exciting, a large lump in the crotch region is not. Honestly. She better have some kind of sexy jock strap underneath that red spandex or else you'll be playing a whole new game of the "crying" variety when you take her home. Besides, she'd probably give you a condom that was laced with poison or something. And a poisoned wang is not fun for anyone.
Ivy Valentine - Leather-Clad Dominatrix/America's 1st President
Ivy is often seen as the primary sex symbol of the Soul Calibur series. With her revealing leather outfit, massive mammillaries, and booty that goes on for days, how can one not resist her ready-to-go body? I'll tell you how. She also has plans to make you her whimpering, bruised and bloody bitch for the evening. Plus, the fact that she has an unhealthy relationship with her sword that is also a blade-laden whip, it?s quite obvious that you're in for an unbalanced mixture of pain with your pleasure. Granted, she is one of the few females, fictional or not, that can pull of the "Colonial Admiral" look and make it work so very right. On the flip side, you'll have to deal with interruptions from her overbearing father who happens to be an UNDEAD PIRATE CAPTAIN. Talk about a mood spoiler.
Note to Namco and all Japanese writers: Just because you create a female character who has sex appeal doesn?t mean her last name needs to be Valentine. To most American men the word "Valentine" is short for "You must treat women like gods with the slim hope that they'll get down on their knees for you Day." That?s not sexy or exciting. It?s actually quite frustrating. I?m getting angry just writing this. You guys should really mix it up every now and then. Jesus.
Chai Xianghua - Chinese Royal Guard/Annoying Bitch
Holy Christ on a cracker. If this Crouching Tiger reject was any more irritating, I would purposely play as her for the sole reason of watching the computer beat her ass relentlessly. From her shrilling screams to her constant jests of "Just Kidding!", the only kind of sexual experience Id want to have with her is if we were in one of those hentai scenarios where she gets raped by her brothers, a pedophile doctor with a scat fetish, and some kind of Satan octopus. Just Kidding! ^_- kekeke I hate you.
Talim - World's Sexiest Shaman/Stick-Twirler
Mmm... jailbait. Nothing against Talim, but it would be wiser to give up the night of raw, vitality-draining exploration of each other?s bodies than to spend the next night having raw, vitality-draining prison rape. Perhaps she'll be in prime condition for the sequel, ?Soul Calibur 3: World's Scariest Sword Chases.? However, she is a young, innocent and naive girl from a small town with self-esteem issues, so you sexual predators out there should have a field day with this one. All you'll need is a goatee and a mock art studio where you attempt to "capture" the female form on a canvas. Naturally, this will become her female form "captured" in your basement. But hey, who am I to judge the things us men do for love?
Cassandra Alexandra - Warrior Baker/Geography Failure
Nordic warrior princess hailing from the city of Athens in the nation of Turkey. Whatever. The main point is that she's a Nordic Goddess with flowing golden blonde hair and milky white skin. She has an affinity for loose short skirts that defy all known laws of physics. She's also very flexible and prone to getting knocked out for long periods of time. I don?t see how you can go wrong with this one. On top of all this...
Sophitia Alexandra - Cassandra?s Sister/Fantasy Completer
She has a SISTER. Ding ding ding, we have a wiener. With Cassandra's looks and Sophitia's more... developed features*, you'll be knockin socks while they rock your SLANG WORD FOR ROOSTER. Granted, Sophitia's face looks like Cassandra's after an 8 year old warps it like the title screen of Mario 64, but she has other features* to make up for it. A wonderful combo of location-impaired girls. If they behave at all like how they do in the game, they'll often be randomly doing things that involves their skirts flying up like Marilyn Monroe in a wind tunnel. Solid.
Heishiro Mitsurugi - Mercenary Samurai/Feudal Pimp
While not actually a woman, I am comfortable enough in my own sexuality to say that I would like to be Mitsurugi's bitch for an evening. The man just oozes sexy samurai coolness from every pore and is perhaps the most badassed samurai to ever exist, fictional or not. In short, I?m saying that I wouldn?t let him do me from behind but I wouldn?t be against giving him a handy out of respect. I mean, I?m not gay or anything.
So that?s it. I?m not sure of the purpose of this article was but now you can go out and pretend to date these lovely ladies of Soul Calibur 2 because you gave up on the outside world long ago. Hope you all get virtual herpes... JUST KIDDING! kekeke!!111!!11oneon!eo!neoneplzdiethx.
*= BY FEATURES I MEAN HINEY AND BOOBIES. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
No articles have been posted in the last month.
Slackers.
|
|
